4 Crazy Defenses You Should Never Use…Unless You Like Wearing an Orange Jumpsuit

Some people will try nearly anything to avoid being convicted of a crime. If you want to avoid jail time, make sure you never try any of these ridiculous excuses.

1) Keep Your Eyes Open

In the summer of 2008, police noticed a woman driving erratically near the town of Östernärke in Sweden. The woman ignored the flashing lights and sirens for two miles before she finally pulled over. Even though she had ten times the legal limit of alcohol in her system, the woman claimed she had been driving just fine by closing one eye. This, she claimed, prevented her from seeing double. This spectacular excuse failed to convince the cops. She spent two months in jail.

2) Don’t Blame the Horse

In July of 2009, a resident of Six Mile, South Carolina spotted something very strange coming down Main Street. A woman was riding a horse in the middle of the road. The concerned citizen called the police who found the horse tied up near a store. The woman who had been riding the horse was inside, attempting to make a phone call. When the police noticed that the woman reeked of alcohol, the woman explained that the horse had been drinking but she was completely sober. The police didn’t buy the story of the tipsy equine and the woman was arrested on the spot.

3) It’s Not a Crime If It’s Free

In May 2011, a woman in St. Paul, Minnesota heard a commotion in her house. She went downstairs just in time to see two people running out her back door. The daring duo attempted to load up some bicycles with stolen goods and pedal away. A helpful neighbor was driving by and blocked their escape with his car. When the police arrived, they identified the thieving couple as Charles and Pernella Bull. The two explained that the house they had been robbing had been listed on Craigslist as a “free house.” Needless to say, no such listing was ever found online. The pair was immediately arrested.

4) Howl at the Moon

In 2011, near Brownhelm Township, Ohio, police received a call from the Timber Ridge campground about a disorderly camper. Police arrived to find 20-year-old Thomas Stroup passed out in a trailer surrounded by knives and swords. The young man explained that he had recently been scratched by a wolf in Germany and was now compelled to go on a rampage whenever the moon was full. The police weren’t convinced of the existence of werewolves and arrested the man.

The moral of these stories is pretty simple. If you’re accused of a crime, hire a lawyer and let them do the talking. You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble.